Friday, May 26, 2006


It's something the doctors want me to worry about. Why? I'm in pain, almost constant pain. Don't I have the right to ride my bike or jump on the trampoline or brush my dog without sharp pain that makes me want to curl up in a fetal position?

Oh. I don't. Nevermind.

Whatever. Since I was committed to the Adolescent Behavioral Health Ward for four days (depression), I've been battling with addiction. No, not actual addiction, but the concept of it. Every time I hurt and it's not bad enough to make me vomit or cry, but I cannot function or think, I wonder, should I do this? Should I just suck it up? I honestly don't know.

The doctors aren't much help. Take a hot bath - no, my dermatologist and urologist would kill me. Take an ibuprofen or naproxen - no, my gastroenterologist would kill me. Take tylenol - okay. How much? How long do I wait? Why isn't it working?

They mean well, of course, but addiction never came up when my skin was infected in 2003. Why? Well, the pain was obvious. People could not look at it without wincing. Nobody quibbled when I needed something stronger, though lortab was my mainstay. I had to take it for almost a month straight, about 3 or 4 times a day, otherwise I was in acute misery. I was miserable anyway, of course, I still had an oozing mess on my legs and posterior.

But no mention of addiction, and I went back to school fine and dandy.


No thought of pain medication whatsoever until the kidney stones, but that was very short term.

And then along came this mess.

I think the doctors' reluctance comes from a number of places. One, endo is inside. We're still kind of clueless about the female parts and why they do what they do. Two, endo can be microscopic. Three, the pain and severity can be inversed. I may have one tiny growth that's causing me legions of pain. Somebody else may not have a clear spot and feels nothing, even on her period. No one knows why. Or they do, they just don't feel like telling.

And, four, they're guys. My inner psychopath wants to take some pinching device in the office and use it and glue it on a sensitive part of his anatomy and tell him, "It's not too bad. Walk it off."

The equivalent, I guess, is kidney stones. It's not as bad, most of the time, as my the first kidney stone movement I had, but it's close. The pain is in my lower abdominal/pelvic region, on the right and left side. I don't get more pain on my period, in fact, the worst pain I've had in a while came the day after the period, the next day, and the next day. I was a basket case.

So, I'll cross that addiction bridge when I come to it. I don't need to worry about addiction in addition to being in pain, it's not conducive towards relaxing, let me tell you that. I don't know what kind of bridge it will be. Will it be a concrete monster over a dry creekbed or a washed out rope bridge over raging rapids? Who knows? Not me, and certainly not you.


The Amazing Poodle Pickle Diver said...

How can someone going through such awful agonies still manage to be chipper and delightful? You really are the message board darling.

BECKY. [you know your SISTER] said...


i heart choo.

and um,

mom loves you too.
[this i know to be a fact]

you graduate tomorrow =] =] =]

binto said...


You could have mentioned the trampoline a little more.

Anonymous said...

For a young lady to encounter so much pain and grief in her life and handel it with such grace and elequence as you have makes everyone around you very proud, and I for one am amazed at the strides you have make while looking pain and stress in the eye.
Love ya

Anonymous said...

you are truly an amazing girl.....We here in BARTLETT love you. Prissy and Henley love you the best though and cannot wait to play, pain meds or no pain meds. YOU do what YOU need to do.

Ithildriel said...

Thanks for posting your blog link on your favorite message board.

I know of which you speak with the pain pills thing. I had chronic pain for several years. Whenever I was in pain, I had to make that decision, take a pill, tough it out, am I taking to many, will I get addicted. It's a fine line, but we have to have some quality of life.

Thank goodness that is over, not thanks to the doctors, but that's another story.

Oh and by the way, Tylenol Sucks! It should be against the law to claim that it relieves pain. :P