I'm fat.

And I recently gained a lot of weight like super fast - not oh, 10 pounds snuck up on me - but 30-40 came in a few weeks, complete with raised stretch marks.

I am on at least 3 medications that cause weight gain - one of them is my birth control and since periods are murder, no. Another is new and it has given me control over my moods, well as much control as humans can have. My extreme moods have reasons behind them. Being thinner < being happy.

I still remember when this happened in 10th grade. I think it was in Math (2nd period) and I looked at a thin girl older than me and I realized that my weight had nothing to do with 99% of my life. My grades, my social life, my relationship with my family (that makes me quite lucky, I've learned)... none of this would change if I lost weight. They might even get worse, as I chase friends away by counting things, and focusing on my diet instead of homework. Or getting sick (dizzy, light headed) from not enough food makes doing homework hard as well. (As I noticed over the last 2 semesters with the medication.)

A "normal" weight would not make me a better person.

Someone who doesn't know me could say that I'm not a social person because of my weight, but that's BS. I know fat kids and teenagers and adults have friends and boy/girlfriends. I remember being at a friend's birthday party before my weight went up (puberty and thyroid) and I was bored silly. I've always preferred books, and now the internet.

Anyways -

I am in love with the new ABCFamily show "Huge," starring Nikky Blonsky. It's about a fat camp, but the actors can't lose weight in a predictable manner over the show (especially since some are teenagers not done with puberty yet!) which is good. The show made me tear up by the second episode. It's sweet and funny.

And even though the premise is all about weight, when most of the characters we see (minus the trainers and the woman in charge) are fat, they become more than punch lines or sassy friends of skinny women.

The main trainer is horrid, which is the point. One kid needed to catch his breath on the camp's first run/walk thing and she says no and makes him do 25 jumping jacks. He said "I can't." But if he could breathe, he would have said, "I need to rest now, I can't breathe." I assume.

But they also discuss the importance of stretching later on - so they do mean it when they talk about health, at least in some ways.

It's also so realistic - there are so many different ways people are fat and we see this here.

And the second episode broke a stereotype on national teevee - a fat kid who is obsessed with basketball and is good at it and all that jazz.

I'm looking forward to the next episode.

I first heard about it on Jezebel, when they posted clips from the pilot and reviewed it. They also did one for the second episode, but there were less comments this time.

Another reviewer is Iced Tea and Lemon Cake. First episode, second episode. She talks a lot about the fat issues in the show, especially gym in the 2nd episode, which was a big part of that episode.

The best reviews I've seen, hands down, are at Fatshionista. First, second.

Just like women supposedly say "I'm a character from Sex and the City," I'm going to say I'm Becca, the black girl who's always reading. I also think I'm a bit like Will (her goal is to gain weight there), but I don't like having people mad at me if it's not worth it, so I wouldn't do an OTT strip-tease within the first hours of the camp.

It repeats a lot on ABCFamily, it's at their website, and on Hulu. And probably *cough* other websites for people outside America...

My Name Is Khan partial review

I'm terrible with reviews, we all know that.

And I can't talk about My Name is Khan as a whole without spoiling it, plus I'm never sure what is and what is not a spoiler, so here are my thoughts on what worried me the most going in. (Not terrorism, terrorism in America, or immigrants in America - that's been done so many times in Bollywood.)

The title character has Asperger's Syndrome (AS). The director is Karan Johar - I've seen most of his movies and love them (Dostana is hilarious, though clearly in a parallel America where a man in a military uniform can admit to being gay!), but other people paid to review films don't always love his movies. They are emotionally manipulative, and subtle as a two by four upside your head. But some things don't need to be subtle. Plus, (for me) it was a good cry. I identified with these fictional characters and cried, I didn't have flashbacks to bad times like I did with Taare Zameen Par (which dealt with dyslexia).

Anyways, this will be the third time I've posted these comments. I originally posted them in the Chatterday open thread at FWD because another commenter asked for my thoughts.

Then I c&p'd it for Bollywhat when someone asked in the spoiler thread how AS was treated.

I haven't read professional reviews, but I have read what other members of BollyWHAT have said about the movie. It's not universally loved, but everyone loved SRK's performance and the problems in the movie have nothing to do with AS and how it's portrayed, but other things.

Here is what I wrote soon after seeing it:

Onto the Asperger’s Syndrome. Rizvan Khan (SRK) takes the time in the first half to introduce himself to the people at Mandira’s (Kajol) job – this is what he has, this is who it’s named after, he is not “pagal”, he is smart. At one point, Mandira tells him to stop with this “loop” and the “encyclopedia.”

He takes things literally, which is why he’s doing what he’s doing – he can’t go home until he does what Mandira tells him to do. (which comes after a heart wrenching scene – so quiet in the theater) He hates the color yellow and loud sounds. He also repeats what people say when he can’t come up with something himself (especially related to emotions) or he reverts back to the encyclopedia.

He can repair almost anything, so his “genius” overshadows his brother, resentment, etc, but his mother loves him and gets him a private tutor because the other students at school are jerks.

We see two tools he uses so the world isn’t too much – ear plugs, of course, but a video camera, because as his SIL tells him (she teaches psychology and gets him an official diagnosis), it’s like the world is on TV, so it won’t be so scary. (This is soon after he moves to America, San Francisco, noise people noise!)

What was really touching was the disclaimer at the beginning – something like this is not the definitive behavior for AS, this is a fictional story about one man.

He is not cured, he does not “overcome” his disability, and he is the main character, he does not teach those around him to “live life to the fullest.” He does help people, but not because he’s autistic, but because he helps them. By doing things. Like… *drumroll* anybody else!

So there were some iffy moments (so much jammed in the last 30 minutes) but overall, a great movie and I think a great representation of somebody with Asperger’s.

And I thought it would be cool to put a kind of review on my blog.

The bolded part is the most important to me - PWD are inspiring just because they have disabilities in most pop culture narratives and movies. Rizvan is inspiring because of what he does, because of what happens to him, but not because he has AS.

I love Netflix.

Truly, I do.

Sure, it doesn't have some very popular Bollywood films from the last 10 years, but still, I'm new to the game. I've got time to catch up. (The weirdest missing DVD - they've got the special features disc, but not the disc with the movie on it! D'oh!)

Anyways, I've created some lists about Bollywood and the 3 southern films I've seen so far, but none about the Hollywood movies I've seen.

So here we go -

First movie I ordered was Toy Story 2, to prove my sanity. (Second was Om Shanti Om.) I loved both, but I only bought one. (OSO, of course!) Toy Story 2 - 5/5 stars.

Futurama: Bender's Game - also 5/5 stars. Very funny.

Sweeney Todd - 5/5. Good movie, though the English singing freaked me out at first.

Princess Bride - 5/5, though i was already corrupted by Bollywood and felt that it could have used some singing (in Hindi, natch).

Ed Wood - 5/5. Oh My God! This movie is amazing! Better than Sweeney Todd, not that Johnny Depp did a bad job in that one. It's just this one is a better movie.

Girl, Interrupted - 4/5. Different from the book in some ways, I'm sure. (It's been a while since I read it.) But still good. But not memorable a month later, like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Tropic Thunder - 5/5. So damn funny!

Americanizing Shelley - 3/5. Stale jokes, but catchy soundtrack and three good actors.

Bend It Like Beckham - 4/5. Awesome music, great story.

Penelope - 5/5. This is a fairy tale with modern elements, and it works. It's so cute! I recommend it to all Netflix members. It stars Christina Ricci and James McAvoy. Check it out!

Oh, in the non-Bollywood, non-Indian, non-American, non-English category, we have Train Man, a Japanese film my friend begged me to watch after I introduced her to Bollywood with Bunty Aur Babli. (She loved it.) I give it 4/5 stars because it was a great story, but I didn't really connect with it. Plus, as I kept teasing her, it didn't have any songs! And it was a love story! Come ON!

Oh, I forgot The Namesake. 4/5 stars. The story never clicked with me, but Tabu, Irrfan Khan, and yes, Kal Penn were all amazing in it.

How to Salsa in Sari & All the Pretty Horses

Guess which one I had to read for school?

Guess which one I read in less than one day? Guess which one I liked more?

How to Salsa in Sari By Dona Sarkar is a YA book that I totally checked out because it had the word sari in the title, and I like books about other cultures, which is why I'm reading Beka Lamb, which is a book set in Belize. My English teacher wanted us to read Beka Lamb, but we didn't have time, but I'm still going to give it a shot.

I liked How to Salsa, so I don't have much to say, except like way to short, I want a sequel!!!!


I feel meh about All the Pretty Horses, and it's part of a trilogy and hell to the no, I'm not touching another one of Cormac McCarthy's books. Unless you paid me. I'd read James Joyce if somebody paid me. Gossip Girl. Everyone. Totally. Pay me.

I'm going home tomorrow! I have internet on my phone, which means I get picture and video mail, which means my mom sent me two videos of her talking to Dixie while Dixie barked! Oh, how I miss my baby girl!

All my finals are over, and I'm getting at least a B in Science! Because my professor was all, "If you're not out of the Honors section, you'll get a C+, otherwise something higher." I was so happy! Until I found out the paperwork had been sitting on a desk for a month. Just. Sitting. There. Keeping me in a honors class. So I'm still waiting. Called the registrar's office around 3, and they called back, and then said they'd call me again if they got the right signature before 4:30. No call. Gotta wait til morning. ::groan::

But this is all part of the most important lesson of college - speaking up, asking questions, building rapport to get your way for everything from a grilled cheese sandwich instead of something inedible to getting you out of a class a month before finals.

Case in point - this semester, there is a new bookstore off campus, but close by. I went there last week, with no book after going to the Tiger Bookstore and selling my History Book. (And maybe my Anthro? Or was that Friday? Damn, the days, they flow so quickly.) I had nothing to sell, but I asked some questions, got a card, and went on my merry, cold way.

Cut to Monday. The school bookstore took my English books and my French book, but not the CDs that go with the French book. And the Tiger Bookstore didn't want them either. The new place did, for $15. I paid $25 (normally $50, but I'd just sold something back) for them a year ago, and, since they're only going to be used another semester (new books), the guys there said the other bookstores might give me $5 or something. Whatever. Call me stupid about money and hopelessly young, but when I'm strung out by exams, all I want is the textbooks and associated paraphanalia gone, I don't care about how much you give me.

So today. It's pouring.

Oh, by the way, I overslept. My exam was at 10:30 and I woke up at 10. I seem determined to prove that living on campus is a damn good idea at least once a semester. Oh well, I think extra sleep is better for me than extra studying.

But pouring rain, just not letting up. That's why I'm still here. Last December, I went home on a drizzly day. Huge mistake, just because when it's wet you're just ugh. Tomorrow it'll be cold, but dry. And Becky will get some vegetarian sushi and get to drop off some scholarship thing.

So the school bookstore didn't want my science book.

And neither did the Tiger bookstore.

So I started walking to the other one, the exact same way I did yesterday. Well, some of these roads are old and dippy. And they fill up fast. Walking back to campus, I took a different route with somewhat shallower puddles, but my butt was already wet and I'd left my backpack open (though with just a sealed pack of pencils and such inside it) on the walk to the healthcenter for a flu shot. I did use my umbrella from time to time today. And I wore flip-flops, which was probably a good thing in all those puddles - at least I don't have to wait for my tennies to dry out. Stinky.

Anyways, I show up at this place, and the guys that work there smile, cuz they remember me and they're new and I was there yesterday and I know they're probably not going to take my science book, but dammit, both semesters, I have had all my books bought back and I'm not breaking my record. I told them I was soaked and miserable, it wasn't about the money, it was about getting rid of the book and the class, could they please take it? I got $10. Sweet. And my legs appear no worse for the midday soaking.

My first semester, I called the campus bookstore about one of my textbooks and a guy said they'd buy back a book. When I got there, the answer was no. Same at Tiger. Found the guy, they bought the book. I am learning things.

Also, this song, Mera Babu Chhail Chhabila by Sophie, is awesome.




One last tip - if your roommate flies the coop, make sure she takes her food-related garbage with her and/or her dirty dishes, or you'll get fruit flies and think you're going crazy. Or at least I did.

And I offer a hearty "Thank you" to every driver who did not splash me today and an even heartier "Fuck you!" to the one who did.

White Noise by Don DeLillo

Finally, a book review. I just checked out this book The Wedding Cake in the Middle of the Road: 23 Variations on a Theme from the library and decided not to read it, so I can't review it and no one can make me read it. (I ordered it a few weeks ago for one reason or another, this happens all the time, but hey, it's free.)

Now, I did not have to read White Noise, since I was part of the group doing the first book (The Handmaid's Tale, which I love), so I didn't have to lead the discussion or look for reviews or anything but discuss it in class.

But I'm a stickler. So I read it. I finally finished Wednesday night, and it was my first feeling of satisfaction associated with the book - I'm done!

Even my professor agrees that this is not a book to sink into and enjoy. It is post-modern and you are supposed to know that and never forget it.

The plot has potential, but we never get a conclusion, and we never care because the characters aren't developed well. There is an "Airborne Toxic Event" and everyone is evacuated. And then the narrator, Jack, discovers that his wife has been taking a medication, Dylar, that is supposed to suppress the fear of death. And she's been sleeping with somebody to get it, since she couldn't get it through the trial study of the drug.

The book has one thing going for it for those assigned it - it is very easy to read, it just slides right through, so it can be quick and painless. (Say, compared to assigned James Joyce.)

I've read a few negative reviews at Amazon (what, I like to see my opinion restated again and again sometimes) and a few people said that the children talk like adults. It's true, they do. The children say wrong things and believe they're right, as do the adults. And there are some conversations where I just could not tell who was talking.

The book is not meant to be read for fun. While you may identify, at times, with the characters, you rarely empathize with them. The setting is meagerly set up, besides the sunsets. (which, of course, represent death. Everything does in this book.)

Next up is All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy. I'm a little nervous because I have some problems with comprehending written violence, since shoot-outs are chaotic and the final printed word is not. It trips me up a bit, in most instances.

In History, I'm reading Confederates in the Attic and it is a great book. The only problem is it was written in the mid-90s, and I am really curious to see how September 11th and the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq have shaped the views of the people in the book.

The Virgin Suicides

I don't remember where I saw the title recently, or why I decided to read it for the first time.

It is a fantastic book, and the movie is equally amazing.

I can't say why it's good, I wish it sucked, so I could rant about that.

Despite their awesomeness, I don't think I'll be reading or watching it more than once a year or so. It definitely changes your mood, and when you're on edge and having some mood swings, well, I wasn't suicidal, but it didn't make me feel chipper.

I do have one minor quibble with the movie, and maybe this will spoil it, but I don't think so.

When the boys come over to the house to see the girls, in the book, Lux is sitting in a beanbag chair, all folded into herself and low to the ground. And all they could see was the lit end of her cigarette. Also, they went into the house. In the movie, she was smoking, but sitting on the couch, not facing them. She opened the door and let them in.

The visual of her in the beanbag is so striking, I wish it had been in the movie.

Other than that, it rocks.

I also watched Bollywood/Hollywood this weekend, and it was pretty decent. I liked 2 of the songs enough to download them, and the rest were good.

However, I watched the "Described Version" of the movie. (I checked out both movies from the library. I could only have them for 3 days and they cost $2 each. But I didn't have to sign up for anything new.)

There was braille on the top of the cover, over the name of the movie. I thought, "Cool, they're helping the blind." And the repetition of "described version" seemed weird. Don't all DVD cases describe the movie?

Also, it was a Canadian film, so I knew it would be weird.

The "described version" of a film is the version for the blind. There is a narrator, describing every action. "He dies," the voice says, as the man dies. For the whole movie. They described the dance moves. Very surreal. And read the credits, but not all, as it said on the back of the case.

I almost didn't watch it, but it wasn't as intrusive or weird as large print is to me. Plus, I didn't want to buy the movie, I just wanted to watch it.

Definitely a surreal experience.

Inside Man trailer

This movie rocks rocks rocks!

Since I last posted here, I have seen the movie again, along with Bride & Prejudice and Water. Both were very good, but Water had a better soundtrack. And Water, despite being in Hindi and having A.R.. Rahman's name attached, is not a Bollywood movie like I thought. It premiered in Toronto, for one. For another, the amazing songs are never sung by the characters, they play in the background. Like a western drama. So I'm still awaiting Dil Se from Amazon to see a real Bollywood movie. Bride & Prejudice is a musical, it is brightly colored, and very energetic. Back to Inside Man.

I watched it yesterday morning. I remember loving it when I saw it when it came out, but sometimes that love doesn't last. But I was right. It's awesome. There are plot holes, according to most reviews and the message board at its IMDb page. Ignore the chatter.

The holes don't matter and definitely do not detract from the enjoyment of the movie.

Take what the characters say at their word about the events in the movie and enjoy it.

I saw the Simpsons movie.

It was awesome!

And the theater was pretty good - we went on a weeknight, before the matinée prices stop.

It's always emptier at that time, which is great.

The popcorn was terrible.


Back to the movie - amazing! It deserves all the accolades it is getting.

I can think of 3 instances in the movie that deserved the PG-13 rather than "irreverent humor throughout". They were things that you can't do on network TV, and I'm not telling you what.

It was far too short.

And just really funny, and even some of the recent episodes (I realize it is August and there have been no episodes since May) that I've seen are still pretty good.

I can't help it - I love the Simpsons. And when I like something, I don't have much to say about it!


I don't quite like their Burger King deal, only because I don't quite like Burger King. Their food is gross, and I've never eaten good food there. There's one commercial starring Krusty, and his Krusty Burger is more in line with what I've eaten at Burger King, if a bit tastier looking.

Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

I saw her on the Colbert Report, but before then I heard about her book and I was lucky enough to find it last Monday at the local library.

I disagree with her, but I like her book. Unlike Ann Coulter's work, where I disagree with her and really don't like her writing.

I don't feel that I can say anything about her views on Islam because she grew up with it, I didn't. She can't say anything about my views on Christianity for the same reason.

That being said, there are 2 things I disagree with, that stuck out.

She said people were wrong when they said poverty and misery turned the terrorists into fanatics.

But, earlier, she said that Somalis turned to Islam because the (secular) government was failing and hurting everyone, and religion offered happiness, if not now, after you died.

Her description of her life under Islam was horrible. I always thought that since women have to cover up because men are horndogs, wouldn't it be easier to just blind and castrate the men? Then women can enjoy life.

I'm reading American Fascists right now. I picked it up Monday as well. There are many similarities between the Christianity in this book and the Islam in her book, especially the treatment of women.

The other thing that bugged me - when she was in Dutch government and wanted to do away with minimum wage and unemployment because Muslim immigrants and refugees used that to hide from integration.

That pissed me off. The minimum wage and unemployment aren't just for refugees, native-born Dutch use them as well. Plus, she used the money given to refugees to go to school, to be a success, and she wanted to deny other Muslim women the same thing, while criticizing them for not doing anything!

Same as women decrying feminism, while feminism gave them the chance to speak and get the hell out of the kitchen. "I made it, but how I made it was bad, so let's get rid of the ladder I used."

That's about it.

My library is broke and bleeding books.

They can't afford to have the security measures they used to have. Something in the books would set off an alarm if it wasn't properly checked out.

Well, books are being stolen.

What are they doing? Limiting the number of books we can check out.

And that stops people from walking out with books without checking them out... how?

And! This librarian did not know how to spell glitch! Glitch!

However, the lady who checked my books out was younger and obviously newer, because she took interest, however fleeting, in the 8 books I had.

So there is hope.

And I should get my student ID soon for the university and then I can use the Memphis library again, so whatever.

Ann Coulter is a redneck bigot.

Despite being from Connecticut, she's just like the idiot robbers in Lucky You by Carl Hiaasen.

I am referring to her comments earlier this month that a poll that showed Barack Obama in the lead ahead of Republican candidates helps the terrorists.

When I saw that in the paper, I laughed so hard.

Especially at the last sentence - paraphrased - she didn't say how it helped them.

I just finished Lucky You again. I don't know how many times. It's one of my favorites, because it's the first I ever read. And I got the hardback version at a library sale for $1.50. I wish I could find a paperback copy at any secondhand place, but I haven't yet.

Anyways, this book is hilarious. It's about the lottery - 2 people had the same numbers, so 2 people won the lottery. It's $28 million, but $14 million each is nothing to sneeze at.

Especially for our heroine, who wants to use it to buy 44 acres of pure nature to prevent a shopping mall from being built there, and to prevent it from being developed forever. The turtle on the cover is one she found in the woods.

However, the other winners want all 28 million dollars.

Greed, mostly. They're lazy criminals, and this would be the end of their criminal life, and the start of their militia, devoted to the purity of the white man. Their enemies - liberals, Jews, aggressive women, Cubans, Mexicans, black people, Communists, and the US Government.

They have many insane theories for why something criminal is in fact good for the white man, why something is bad - because NATO is out to get them, along with black militants, etc.

One theory towards the end hit me and reminded me of Ann Coulter's statement. They purchased a map of the bay (down in Keys) that showed channels and depth. The leader said the reason they kept getting lost and running aground was because the map was wrong, because the mapmakers didn't want them to get to the right island.

Two of my favorites - using forged handicap decals is good because they are blue and white, and NATO's troops (in the Bahamas) will be wearing blue helmets. It's not a coincidence.

Also, they should use the stolen credit card, because when NATO takes over, they will make the US dollar worthless, and only give the 'real' money to the blacks, Jews, and everyone but the white man. (Unless he's liberal or Jewish, of course.)

They're insane and hilarious and fictional.

Ann Coulter is not.

And, unfortunately, bigotry is not fictional, or a historical embarrassment yet.

I worry about how vile it will get if Hillary or Barack are leading in a year.

I've said before - the nation is not ready for a minority president.

Why? We have this war in Iraq that's going to hell faster every day. If a minority candidate ran - on either side - the pundits and slimeballs will focus on that, making the candidates color, sex, or religion more important than their views. And Ann Coulter will be part of it.

Who would you rather have a beer with?

The Devil Wears Prada

The other book I got Saturday. It cost a bit more (fifty cents!), but it was worth it. And unlike The Skin I'm In, I'm keeping it.

The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger is a great, funny book that did not disappoint me in any way.

I'd checked out The Nanny Diaries and Citizen Girl from the local library last fall, and I was so disappointed in them. They sucked. They were told in first person, present tense, something that I notice if I don't like the book I'm reading. (Basket Case by Carl Hiaasen and everything by Sophie Kinsella are examples of ones I do like that way, because of great characters and a good story.)

They were also incredibly pretentious, at least to me. Why? The employers in both books were not named, save for an 'X'. That annoyed the shit out of me. It's a fictional novel! FICTION! NOT REAL. No one gives a damn what their names are, you're not 'protecting' anybody! Make something up, dammit. I gave Nanny Diaries too many pages, and gave up on Citizen Girl much, much quicker when I discovered it was the same thing.

But I'm sure others like them - one's being made into a movie, someone must like it. Who knows? I may give them another try one day.

I was worried The Devil Wears Prada would be the same thing. If it was, it would go to the Crisis Center with The Skin I'm In, but for different reasons.

It wasn't. It was told in first person, but in the past tense. The main character was likable, and her boss had a name, as did the (fictional) magazine she worked for. Everyone had a name, except for her friend's many boyfriends, but they were not X's and for that, I am thankful. Johnny Depp made an appearance at a party! He didn't say anything to Andrea, the main character, but he was there. I doubt he'll be in the movie.

Andrea Sachs gets a job the November after graduating from Brown as Miranda Priestly's junior personal assistant. She's told that if she can make it a year, she can get almost any job in the publishing world she wants. (The New Yorker, in her case.)

It's incredibly funny and sad, but it's a great book.

Miranda does nothing for herself, and expects her assistants to practically read her mind 30 minutes before she asks them to something. Her favorite thing to do is to send them or some other peon on a wild goose chase getting everything just so, and then changing her mind. She also expects the impossible - that her assistant Emily can get her a private chartered flight at midnight on Saturday because the weather interfered with her original flight. She can't, of course, and the airline had already booked her with their first flight out the next morning. When Miranda discovered that she would not be flying until the morning, she was still pissed. Her flight was going to leave at 6:50, but another woman had a flight to New York leaving at 6:35, I think on a different airline!, but she had to get out first. She got it, of course, and the best part to the beleaguered assistant - it got in 8 minutes later than the original!

She also expected Andrea to be there at the time on the itinerary, not 30 minutes later because her flight was delayed and she had to go through customs. Reality matters not to her.

Two mind-reading tasks that were especially bitchy - find a dresser at an antique store in 'the '70s'. She didn't give a cross road or even tell Andrea what side of the park she meant. When Andy asked her, she told her she'd given her the address, she's so forgetful. The address was on 68th!

She also told her that she wanted reservations at an Asian fusion restaurant that had been reviewed in yesterday's paper. "That's all." Andrea called every single New York newspaper and none had done a review on an Asian restaurant that met Miranda's standards. When she asked for clarification (something you never do), she was told that she'd been told 6 times that it was the Post.

The New York Post had nothing. When she asked again, she was told that she'd been told a dozen times that it was the Washington Post, could she be any stupider?

I was surprised she lasted as long she did. They were never allowed to leave the office unattended in case she called or someone called and she was there and had to take the call.

There is something I worried about - that what Emily (the senior assistant) was saying was true, that you don't get to the top of the world by being nice. That is true, but Miranda was a lazy, lying bitch who abused everyone who did everything for her. She may have been a creative genius, but that didn't mean she should treat everyone like shit, though she could because she's Miranda fuckin' Priestly.

While she was in the office, everyone was expected to dress like a super model - down to uncomfortable shoes. But Andrea was expected to make many Starbucks or other errands on foot. She got chewed out for wearing comfortable shoes by her boss.

Luckily for her, there were clothes provided for free when they were 'out of season' (hadn't even hit the stores yet) along with foot-killing shoes and fashionable purses. When the movie came out, there was an article in the M section about the movie and how she was working at a fashion magazine, she should dress appropriately. Reading this and remembering that made me want to barf. The writer had based it solely on the movie, not the book.

Andrea only got the job in the first place because she'd just had a bout of dysentery and weighed 115 pounds on 5'10 frame. Along with her desire to work in journalism. And she was promised that a year in Runway hell was the same as 5 years as a peon at a less prestigious publication. So she wanted to learn the fashion ropes.

The stress of the job prevented her from eating most of the time, so she never regained her pre-illness weight. She was the only one 'brave' enough to eat the soup in the cafeteria. The soup chef refused to make any soup low fat, low carb, low anything. Loaded with calories, but the stress prevented her from becoming a 'cow'. Everyone else ate salads, if anything, and complained about their weight.

Miranda ate as well, and one lunch time pissed me off. Andy had to rush around to get her 'usual' food and took too long. (Since she was the junior assistant, she had to run errands. She used the errands as a chance to smoke, talk to her boyfriend, and give away Starbucks drinks on the building's dime. She could charge everything to them - even the two daily taxi rides. She was not a native New Yorker and had no idea where the building was at first and then she had to wear fancy clothes and killer heels, so it was better to ride in a cab. And it was expected by the company!)

So she rushed to get back, and place it just so on Miranda's desk. Miranda came back to the office and got incredibly pissy. Why? In the time between yelling at Andy and coming back to the office, she'd already eaten and Andrea should have known that, even though she didn't bother to tell her.

When her coworker got sick (mono - highly contagious), Miranda had to talk to the doctor before she'd believe it - and she insisted mono wasn't a 'real' disease.

The book is perfectly funny, and I wish it was longer.

I want to rent the movie next time we do that to see how it compares. For one thing - the casting is wrong, judging by the shot on the back of my copy. Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway have healthy bodies. I don't think Meryl's a size 0.

I'll see how it matches up and report back. Expect something long and bitchy if it doesn't, and something short and sweet if it does.

A side note - I have no idea what magazine the author is mocking, or who she's mocking. I know some of the designer's names, but that's about it.

I think my sister would like it, but she said, before I could finish the sentence - "Never gonna read it."

"I'm gonna make a book called Never Gonna Read It, dedicated to you and it'll be all about how to be a super-duper genius success."

"Never gonna read it."

She pisses me off sometimes - I know she's not a reader, but she does have two favorite series - Gossip Girl and the A List. She begged me to give the first GG a try, and I did. I hated it, but at least I tried.

She never bothers.

I'm currently rereading Alas, Babylon. I had to read it in 9th grade, and made my homebound teacher mad because after a slow, "I-hate-this-tripe" start, I raced through it. Whoops. I'm always doing that. That really sucked in 10th grade when we read 1984, because we read along with an audio CD that was so slow.

I'm awaiting a Devil Wears Prada-type book about MAD. Good Days and Mad by Dick DeBartolo isn't cutting it anymore. (As I don't have it.)

The Skin I'm In

I found two great books Saturday at two different yard sales. (My mom bought a bike at yet another.)

The Skin I'm In by Sharon Flake is an adolescent book, and it captures all the pressures of middle and high school that my sister went through, as did I, to a much lesser degree. It's also an 'African-American' book in that the main character and most of her classmates are black, but I still identified. I was also shocked at the cruelty toward the main character - just because her skin is darker than everyone else's. I've heard of that before, but it still doesn't make sense to me.

It's not a sad book, but most of it makes me sad - the way Maleeka goes along with the other kids in picking on the teacher and getting into a lot of trouble. Thankfully, she learns what really matters by the end of the book, after a disastrous exercise in peer pressure.

The book starts when a new English teacher arrives at Maleeka's middle school. The book is told in first person present tense, something that often rubs me the wrong way, but didn't this time. The present tense part, not the first person thing. If I don't like a book (The Nanny Diaries) it grates on me until I give up. But if I like a book, it's natural.

The teacher is a former advertising executive who decides to teach when the school system starts a program for executives to teach without getting teaching certificates. Everyone hates her because she makes them do a lot of work, but I got the feeling if they'd STFU, they'd learn something - Maleeka did.

One thing that really resonated with me was her intelligence. She's in 7th grade, but can easily outdo a 9th grader when it comes to math and she's a gifted writer. I like to think of myself as smart, but I never felt pressure to dumb it down. That is something that bugs me about school - no one wants to look smart, even in the honors and AP classes! This week is Gateway Testing week at the high schools, and most teachers won't do a thing, they can't, because their schedules are messed up and most have students taking a state test. The Gateway tests sucked. They were not timed, but you couldn't bring a book to read when you were done, and you couldn't leave early. When I had to take the English 2 test (my last Gateway), I used my 504 health plan and horrible skin infection that had pretty much cleared up as a reason not to sit for 3 hours doing nothing but sweating and itching. I got to take it in a little closet-like room with a window off the guidance office and checked out after I was done. There's a lot more leeway with the End Of Course tests - they're required to graduate, but you can leave early or bring a book. (I left early both times.)

The thing that pisses me off? My sister had to sit in the cafeteria for 3 hours today because her 1st period teacher was giving a test and the classroom was being used. The class is a senior class she was put in instead of study hall (they told her that sophomores had to have parental permission for study hall. She got the note. She didn't get study hall.), so she had no one to talk to.

It was very boring.

I know she doesn't like to read, but come on! It would not have killed her to take a Gossip Girl or Cosmo in, it would have killed the time.

No one can complain about having nothing to do in school if they know how to read, have books, and are allowed to bring them.

Back to Maleeka - I got the feeling that she hated being so smart, because it let another girl exploit her and made her an outcast. She went to a typical poor school - no one gives a damn, and when someone tries (the new teacher), they're attacked.

And this was written in 1998, before NCLB.

Oh! The title. She comes to terms with the deep color of her skin, and that made me extra happy. In the book Pledged, there was a snippet about a black sorority that had the 'paper bag test'. If a pledge's skin was darker, she was out.

White is the norm and non-white people, especially women, have been trying to be as white as possible for too damn long. I make the point of describing everybody's race - even the white guys. It's just me, but it's a step.

Maleeka was 'inferior' because her skin was dark, even though a number of people thought it was beautiful. (The teacher is one, much to Maleeka's chagrin.)

She was inferior to the other black students who had lighter skin, because white skin is still the ultimate goal. Unless you're white, then you want to be tanned all year. (Not me - too long in the sun and I turn beet red, usually from overheating, but sometimes from a burn and it doesn't fade to a tan, it fades to white.)

That's just wrong, but I don't know how to correct it. I've never picked my friends by the darkness of their skin, more the personality and interests and will they talk to me than anything else. The hottest guy my senior year, to me at least, had dark skin and the most amazing dreads. And, despite his popularity, he talked to me.

Back to the book - I got it for a dime at a yard sale (black family) because I'm always interested in books from the 'abnormal' perspective. (Not white, not male, not Christian, not American... I could go on.) Since it was a kid's book, it looked like an easy read and not a waste of a dime if I didn't like it.

And I do.

However, I don't want to read it again. I'm taking it to the Crisis Center next time I go. (Supposed to go today, but Lois was sick and I was in crippling pain. I'm not now, I'm on a 100mcg patch instead of 2 25mcgs. It kicked in within the hour. Awesome.)

Why the crisis center?

Goodwill sells their books, we don't.

Most of our clients are black, and most have children. I hope another girl, black or white or whatever, gets it and feels good after reading it.

Why did I watch that movie?

Oh yeah, because I said I would.

I am so stupid sometimes.

Rodgers and Hammerstein are so hearing from my lawyer. Surely it's against the law to steal 3 hours and make them boring?

Gah!

Actually, I'm glad I finished it, I had to get it out of my system.

The song that sucked me in? "I am sixteen going on seventeen..."

Music was a required class in elementary school, and in 6th and 7th grade, I took choir. We had to learn the 'Favorite Things' song. I hate that song.

I'm just glad I got it out of my system, I wanted to eject it 30 minutes in, but I knew it would get under my skin tomorrow during Grounded for Life and Sabrina, and that's not right.

I played Spider on the computer and tried to get Mikey to eat without hitting pause.

It was so bizarre hitting pause on a VHS! I don't miss it.

So the movie is safely back in Beck's room, and now I have to find the two MAD parodies - one is the "Sound of Money" - a direct parody of the movie that's in a book of Oscar-movie parodies.

The other is a follow-up of the family 'today' from the early 70s or leat 60s, and it's buried in one of the two crates somewhere.

Both much better than the movie.

Though I must say, this movie made me realize Julie Andrews is beautiful, but I hate her short hair. She looked prettiest in her nunnery gear, where it covered all but her bangs, leaving you to thing that she had hair as long as me. But I can't imagine her with long hair!

Oh well, off to sleep.

What book am I reading after A Long Way Gone, you ask?

Why, The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot - I managed to get volumes 2 through 8 from the library, and I have number one (Goodwill) already.

What?

They're damn good books. The only other book of hers I've read is All-American Girl which is okay, I guess, but not one I'll buy, unless it's 99 cents at goodwill or somewhere similar. Same with Teen Idol. Her books are easy and fun to read, at least the ones I've read. I also read and liked How to be Popular.


As for the movie, well, what book did they read? Just like they did with Ella Enchanted, they twisted it all around to make it Disney - I think that's actually mentioned in one of the books, that a movie about her came out and it was nothing like her. And before that, she mentions how she read the true story about Snow White and it was much gorier than the Disney movie.

Don't get me wrong, I like Anne Hathaway, but if I never see the movie again, I'll be fine. For one thing, my sister and her friends love both, and love to quote it at me.

I liked the first one, they didn't completely butcher the source, but they changed her Grandmother completely. And her father's living status. And the city!

The second one, though, had nothing to do with the second book, or any of the following ones!

Naturally, my sister loved it.

Neither is as bad as Ella Enchanted, of course, but still. They could have stayed a little truer to the source - her Grandmother has Glenn Close as Cruella DeVille rather than Mary Poppins feel. Trust me. The books are short, sweet, and funny.

I don't know why, but it is much easier to find funny books for teenagers and kids than it is for adults. And the best ones still rock, even when you're legally an adult. Think Roald Dahl. Matilda - still adore. I even bought a French version. And Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and its sequel. I never saw the first movie, it was on in the library once in elementary school, but I was busy reading. So I love the second one - Johnny Depp is awesome.

I can't forget the Secret Garden! I have it, but it's not my favorite one of hers. That would be A Little Princess.

So it's safe to say a good portion of the books cluttering up my room are meant for children and teenagers.

And I don't give a damn.

Right now, I still love them.

Someone brought in a lot of Babysitter Club books to the crisis center the last time I was there, and since the computer was broken, and I can't do physical work and I'd finished putting them away, I decided to read the first one. Oh man, I had to stop before I got sucked in again.

I'm not a good literary snob. I didn't start venturing into the adult fiction section until I was 14.

But I love to read, and I love to read books from almost every genre. Except westerns, I think I'd dislike westerns, unless it was a book version of Blazing Saddles.

So I pass no judgement on what my sister reads - I'm glad she reads at all. I've tried one of her Gossip Girl books, bleh, but I did read Prep and I liked it. Haven't read it again, but anything's possible.


So yeah, this fall, when I get my Memphis library card, I will use it to check out books for kids and 'young adults' and I will read them boldly. I used to be ashamed of reading what 'kid's books' and would have the kid book of the day at home and bring in a Stephen King to the doctor's office or something. No more!

I will read without shame.

Hell, people should be happy I'm reading at all, even if it is far below my reading level. Or a comic. (Love Archie! And Futurama, the Simpsons, and the X-files all have comics.)

Here are some that I just don't have the patience to look up on Amazon. I just looked through my bookshelves, and here are some of my favorite books that I am too old for.

• The Help! I'm Trapped in... series by Todd Strasser
• The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
• Flight #116 Is Down, Wanted!, and Driver's Ed by Caroline Cooney.
• The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
• Blubber, Otherwise Known As Sheila the Great, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, and even more by Judy Blume.
• The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle, The Man Who Was Poe, and Nothing But the Truth by Avi.
• Sideways Stories from Wayside School, Wayside School is Falling Down, Wayside School Gets a Little Stranger, Holes, Dogs Don't Tell Jokes, and There's a Boy in the Girl's Bathroom by Louis Sachar.
• The Cay and Timothy of the Cay by Theodore Taylor
• Flush and Hoot by Carl Hiaasen.
• The Indian in the Cupboard, The Return of the Indian, The Secret of the Indian, The Mystery of the Cupboard, and The Key to the Indian by Lynne Reid Banks.
• The Westing Game, The Mysterious Disappearance of Leon (I Mean Noel), and The Tattooed Potato and Other Clues by Ellen Raskin
• From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E. L. Konigsburg
• Freaky Friday, Summer Switch, and A Billion for Boris by Mary Rodgers
• The Ramona books and others by Beverly Cleary.
• The Trumpet of the Swan by E. B. White
• My Teacher is an Alien, My Teacher Fried My Brains, My Teacher Glows in the Dark, and My Teacher Flunked the Planet by Bruce Coville
• The Dear America and Royal Diaries series
• The Goosebumps and Fear Street series by R. L. Stine
• The Sabrina the Teenage Witch series
  
• The Little House in the Big Woods, Little House on the Prairie, On the Banks of Plum Creek, By the Shores of Silver Lake, The Long Winter, Little Town on the Prairie, These Happy Golden Years, and The First Four Years by Laura Ingalls Wilder

Well, I shall never run out of things to read. I have a notebook with 57 pages filled of book names - adult fiction, nonfiction, author's names, what have you - and room for more. Suggest a book on almost any subject or some author's name, I'll scribble it in there, and look it up next time I'm at the library.

Godless by Pete Hautman

Wow.

Just wow.

This book is amazing, even with the orange Y and scarlet A on the spine.

Yep, another book from the 'Young Adults' Section. What can I say? We didn't have a lot of time, and my sister needed Medea by Euripides (My sister's pronunciation: Your-ripe-pieds) for school and the classics are practically in the 'Young Adults' section, probably because most of us won't touch Shakespeare or Dickens outside of Middle and High School - Young Adult time.

Back to my book, please.

Godless by Pete Hautman is amazing.*

It does not matter that it is meant for 'young adults'. I think it being YA means it's easier to read for one, and for another, it draws you back to the time when you were 16, wanting a car, and questioning religion. (Okay, not so much for me, I've been questioning religion as long as I can remember, and I'm only 18, so I'll hush.)

This book reminds me of the bit from the song "Walking in Memphis" - And he said, "Tell me are you a Christian child?" And I said, "Man I am tonight!"

I can't help it, I love that song and I just saw Post-Modern Prometheus Thursday and it ends with that song, it's not my fault.

Back to this amazing book.

It takes place during summer.

A 16 year old agnostic-going-on-atheist is sick of the Catholicism being forced on him. He has to attend mass, but he won't take communion - he's an unbeliever, being an unbeliever and taking communion is like a double sin. He also has to go to TPO meetings - youth meetings where they discuss religion, but it always comes back to "God is great, God is good."

And he's a little sick of it. One day, he gets in a fight with the town bully - who's half his size, but has 3 stooges to back him up and a charismatic presence. And tough fists, apparently. The book starts and ends with him knocked out by a punch by this kid.

He and his friend are hanging out under the town water tower when he (the narrator) gets punched. They were looking for snails because his friend's a science geek and snails like wet, slimey areas.

So he's knocked out, looking up at the water tower, and that leads to a new god - the Ten-legged One, the religion of Chutengodianism.

Why? Water's one of the main things we need in life. What holds water for towns? Water towers. What holds the water for their piddly town? The Ten-legged one.

He recruits 4 other members at first, including his best friend. They swim in the water tower the first Tuesday Midnight Mass - nothing else happens on Tuesday, no other religion has that day yet. They also get busted when one falls off and luckily only breaks bones.

There are some damn interesting quotes in this, and they make me want to apologize to Becky for anything and everything I've said, except she doesn't care. But I'll say them here.

Jason Bock's scientist geeky friend becomes obsessed with Chutengodianism, to the point where he goes into the water tower holding tank and won't get out and ends up in the psych ward for a few days. His last words to Jason resonate in so many ways. They're at the crux of belief, religion, the whole mess.

"How do you know it's not true if you don't believe in it?"


The decision to make the water tower (and water) Gods is much more amusing.

Think about it: What is the source of all life? Water. Where does water come from? Water Towers. What is the tallest structure in most towns? The water tower. What makes more sense - to worship a formless entity that no one has seen since Moses. And all he actually saw was a burning bush.
I explain this to Shin, who stops walking and stares back at me as if my nose has turned into a tentacle.
"You're saying the water tower is God?"
"Think about it," I say.
Shin thinks about it.
"Prove me wrong," I say.

This book goes above and beyond many adult novels. I recommend it to everyone who has ever wondered about faith. It's an easy read, but Shin's last line won't leave me alone.

"How do you know it's not true if you don't believe in it?"



My next book is A Long way Gone by Ishmael Beah. I couldn't believe they had it, apparently they've had it since February, according to the sticker on the front that says 2/07. It was one of the three front cube things where they put new books, and I saw Beah on the Daily Show and I knew I had to read it, and I have it! For three weeks, anyway. From the cubes, I also got Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris, a great, quick read last time I was there.



*I have zero plans to read the other, more famous Godless that came out after September 11th. (Godless by Pete Hautman came out in 2004.)

Family Guy

I used to love this show, we got all the DVDs of the pre-canceled episodes. And I have a book about the show by Stewie that I love.

But now, since they came back, well... they've kind of sucked the suck out of suck most of the time. I know they like to offend as much as possible on a network channel, but I loathe the creepy pedophile character above all the other things.

Tonight's episode wasn't too offensive, on the surface it could be seen as offensive to the physically handicapped, but Peter was the prejudiced one, and Peter's an idiot. Beyond Homer Simpson idiocy.

However, there was this hilarious bit in the first act that had me laughing out loud.

I liked the thrift store scene (again, except for the pedophile), but what followed was priceless.

Peter found red flannel footie pajamas. With a butt flap, so he can be warm and poop, no longer does he have to choose!

He wears them for three days, and Lois tells him he has to get rid of them.

He walks away, shuffling his feet in that sniff, sniff, no one loves me way we all recognize, and then sits on the couch next to Chris. ZAP!

He assumed he was Christ - being able to harness static electricity makes you Christ. Makes sense to me.

I was in terrible pain (still am, yuck), and it was so damn funny. He stalked everyone in the house, shocking them.

It was simple, it was stupid, and it was hilarious.

Regarding our now dead trampoline, it used to shock the hell out of us.

It was so cool to get up after having your head on the trampoline and see your hair standing up.

What was not cool was being touched by a fellow jumper and getting shocked.

And, since we got a $25 garage sale trampoline, we never got the plastic/rubber/fabric/teflon cover that most people get for the springs and metal ring. So getting off involved touching the rings with your foot or hand to get to the chair or just not be so high in the air when you jumped off.

I couldn't stand it.

It sucks to jump in shoes, so you're usually barefoot. And I got shocked through my tennies once.

I would jump over the springs to get off, and it scared me every time. I was worried I'd snap a bone in my legs or fall or something.

Nothing ever happened, except once, I jumped off and landed standing up, took a step, and fell on my butt. The same thing happened at high school, when we had one of the random emergency exit drills for the schoolbus. I told the administrator I didn't need a hand, and I landed upright, just fine. Took a step, and fell over, thankfully not on my butt on the concrete.

King of the Hill sucked tonight, I love Tom Petty's music, I even think he's kind of cute, but I don't like the character of Lucky, and I don't like the whole mess. I thought it was supposed to end.

The Simpsons was great, even though my sister talked during the episode, and my mom won't let me duct tape her mouth closed for 30 minutes. Parents!

Futurama's coming back next year, I hope it continues its excellence and doesn't devolve into the state of Family Guy now. I doubt it though, the last season of Futurama is beautiful.

Mad Magazine #476 April 2007

And what was, according to the address label on my March issue, my last issue of Mad forever! April 2007 was so far into the future, it didn't matter. But in February, I sent off the subscription card for 2 years for $40. And when the bill came, my mom paid it.

But! The issue's white cover, instead of a cartoon or silly note, said this is your last issue!

I had a doctor appointment on the same day my new Mad shows up. Is that fate or what? When we got there, I was restless and worried about having to pay the cover price for the next issue ($3.99 Cheap!), since subscriptions don't kick in for a month, if I recall, which is why you resubscribe months before.

Mom said she'd paid for a Mad subscription, but if it was for the classic series or the regular, she wasn't sure. I checked her logbook, she wrote down Mad Classics! So I said, "That's it, I'm calling them to find out what's what."

What's what is that she wrote down the wrong thing, my subscription won't expire until April 2009, which is like so far into the future it's not worth thinking about. (I'll renew it for two more years at my birthday or Christmas in 2008.)

Onto the magazine!


(I took this picture because last time I tried the scanner, it didn't work, and scanned images are huge, and Becky's fixed our camera so pictures are taken at a smaller, easier to upload size.)

I read the entire issue, even the parodies of Entourage and the Amazing Race, even though I've never seen either show.

I loved the Boratz dolls, the rejected Army recruiting posters, the fascinating music factoids, and Ted Rall's 7 Periods Closer to Death, which is about high school.

The last one was really good, but sad. It talked about how teenagers have to get up at 6am to get to high school (or middle school), and to get the hours of sleep teenagers need, they have to go to bed around 9pm. But teenager's bodies aren't wired for early to bed, early to rise.

So the logical solution is to let high schools start at 9am, instead of 7. But they won't do it. Like the cartoon said, schools are babysitters, and parents don't want their kids at home in the morning without them.

In our district, all the high schools and at least one middle school start at 7am. On the dot, you have to be in your first period at 7. It used to be 7:15, but they changed it two years ago, along with all the school start times, so we have schools starting at 7 and ending at 2, starting at 8 and ending at 3, and starting at 9 and ending at 4. The last category is for a local elementary school and a local middle school.

The reason our times are staggered? Too many students, not enough buses.


As for the cover, I only knew about the fight through the Daily Show and Colbert Report. The page on the feud... meh. The cover... well, I can't believe they got away with her nipples.

Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream Ice Cream

It's great!

It was expensive, but not as much as I thought. Ben and Jerry's is a big brand name, I thought it would be 5 bucks, and it was "only" $2.94 a pint.

More than store brand, but I had to get it.

It's great. Vanilla, caramel, and fudge-covered bits of waffle. They have the consistency of a waffle cone. It's new and interesting.

The caramel mixed into the ice cream is better than caramel sauce put on vanilla. Not too much caramel.

I'm not too big a fan of chocolate in ice cream beyond the chips in chocolate chip cookie dough at Baskin Robbins.

But this isn't too much, the waffles taste great.

And the vanilla is... vanilla. A good, neutral base for the caramel and fudged waffled bits.

I'm not Catholic but I did give something up for Lent - religion.

Stephen gave up sweets. I had mint chocolate chip ice cream yesterday (store brand) because ice cream is cold and I believe that mint flavors are even colder. And it worked. (Hot flashes are a sweaty pain.)

Great ice cream, even though I had to spend more than 30 minutes in wal-mart to get it. (Save-A-Lot doesn't carry Ben and Jerry's! Who knew?)

Much better than Willie Nelson's flavor, because I don't like peaches, so I don't have to try it. My gut says the truthiness about his ice cream is: it's not as good as Stephen's.

No Report until Monday night. How will I survive?

My April 2007 Mad came today, I'll review it after I finish it.

Pandas are EEEEEEEEEVIL.

Pandas are cute.

That is a given, everyone loves pandas and their babies, even "manly men" do because they are just too, too, too cute! (I'm biased, I get a daily dose of cute, courtesy of Cute Overload.) I mean, I want one, damn reality and the 3 animals we already have, I need a panda.

Conversation just now:

Me: "Can we get a panda?"

Mom: "Sure, there are plenty at the Humane Society."

See, she understands.

But she doesn't know what evil lurks in the hearts of pandas, and I do.

I have spent a few months (less than 3) reading about it here. It's disgusting and vile and I was there before the head panda worked her way into John Edward's campaign. Yeah, that's right, I said panda. She didn't resign because of her views or language, no, it was because they were going to out her as a non-human.

But I know the truth, and I have said it here, on my little-read blog.

Take that, Marcotte!





Actually, I adore Pandagon. But it is an evil website. I've always known I was a liberal, pro-choice feminist as soon as I knew anything about the issues. It was nothing I can pinpoint, but as I became aware of the world around me and the president (yes, after September eleventh - I'll discuss that more another day) and politics.

I just knew I was a hairy legged commie. It may have something to do with the fact that I hate shaving my legs (you don't wear glasses in the shower, how can you see the little hairs? And my little sister lied, she said the blonde fuzz would come back as blonde fuzz, not sharp and black). So I just latched onto feminism to excuse my hairy legs. I mean, duh.

Anyways, I just knew. But I didn't discover liberal blogs until December, I believe. For some reason, Mallard Fillmore pissed me off one day, and I just started looking for others who didn't like him. Some liberal blogs that aren't just about "serious" politics mentioned him, and I followed the links. Feministe came before Pandagon, and Reclusive Leftist came before both, I think. I got Reclusive Leftist from Lean Left, which I have since abandoned. (LL, not RL.)

However, Pandagon is still evil, along with Feministe. Why? They are addictive, and I want to read almost every post ever made. I can't tell you how many pages from Pandagon and Feministe are in my favorites right now. And I'll probably never finish them all, because most of the time, there's a link to another post in the body of the post, not to mention the evil previous and next post links at the top of the page. So I add more and more to my favorites, as I try to empty the folder.

Evil pandas.

Look at them, you just know they have some evil planned. It wouldn't surprise me if the photographer was mauled shortly after this picture was taken.

A serious note on the Edward's campaign and Amanda Marcotte - that brought in a lot of new readers and commenters, some who hate her and her ideals. It's very tedious and makes no sense to me. You know you hate her, why say it on her blog? Again and again. There are trolls on older posts too, but they're not saying the same thing again and again. Any time someone wants to talk about the campaign, there are many people there to say "You're a potty-mouthed bigot, you need mental help(saw that today on Feb 18th page.), and this is an echo chamber, anyone who disagrees is banned, etc, etc."

I saw the third all the time at Nytram's Place, after he made the decision to ban a poster who'd said she was dying of cancer, then came back and called us all hypocrites because she wasn't and if you fighted with her one day over politics, how could you offer sympathy to her the next over illness? Perhaps because we were sympathetic idiots who knew the person behind the posts was, just that, another human being and political views shouldn't get in the way of common decency. So now people come to the board from time to time, trolling.

I would never go to a right-wing (or anything I hated) blog or message board and say, "I hate you. You're wrong."

I'd come here and say that, if I felt so motivated. I haven't, so far.

That's the thing I don't understand - some of these people that hate her (or want to pray for an avowed atheist) get so worked up, judging from their comments. I can't fathom why you'd frequent a site you hate, that attacks everything you believe in. Life is stressful enough, we don't have to read what we don't want to read. If the comments go into the hundreds at Pandagon, I usually close the page before finishing them all, and I love the comments at Feministe, Reclusive Leftist, and Pandagon. But the new people at the third are sucking all the fun out of it. They think that by saying they hate her and disagree with her and they'll pray for her will do what... exactly? Make her change the site to nothing but panda pictures? (I could get behind that.)

So I close the page, I don't have to read what I don't want to read (outside of school). I've read a couple Ann Coulter books, and I've read two Michael Moore books. I didn't enjoy any of them. I do, however, like PJ O'Rourke's books and Al Franken's. (I have Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them. Both bought at the Salvation Army, but not at the same one.)

I remember I read How To Talk to a Liberal (If You Must) and Slander, I think around the 2004 election. Talk was easier to read than Slander, because it was just her reprinted columns. I had to force myself to finish Slander, and I gave up on Treason. I wanted to read them so I could say I'd read them, read things from a different view point, but I couldn't slog through another one of her books. And all I know about Godless is what I've seen on the Daily Show and liberal blogs.

(All Coulter, O'Rourke, and Moore books were library books, as was Franken's latest.)

I wanted to be "balanced" and read different opinions, but I didn't really want to. So I stopped.

And I'm not about to start. So I don't understand why other people feel the need to read things they hate.

Life's a pain as it is, why would you seek out things that make you mad?

Pandas may be evil, but they don't control anything beyond their own websites. They don't force people to read their sites. No blogger forces people to read their blog. (Okay, I do, but that's because nobody reads mine.)

So, to sum up - pandas are evil, I have too many pandagon and feministe posts in my favorites to read, and people who seek out and frequent websites they already know they hate are morons. Goodnight.

I LOVE the Daily Show

You know something's funny when you laugh when no one's listening.

Tonight, in the first segment, Rob Riggle was the war correspondent who supported the President.

"What's unclear about 'no doubt'? Well, maybe the silent 'b'..."

And his description of getting hit was so gruesomely HILARIOUS, I hope you got to see it.

Let's see what I remember, ten minutes later.

"Brooklyn was to the left of me, Lefty on my right. We were drawing straws to see who would wear the Kevlar vest when we got hit."

"Oh my God, was it an IED...?"

"No, insurgents had planted a copy of the New York Times in the glovebox. Lefty got 800 words of Maureen Dowd between the eyes. The poor kid never even got to see the Style section."

I was hitting the floor, laughing so hard, and no one was awake.

I'm going to check out this On Call in Hell by Richard Jadick when I get a chance. (He's a urologist. I hate my first urologist. He told me people live with pain, so shut up, right after he'd put a stent in my right kidney the wrong way - it fell out 2 days later, along with all the urine that had blocked my right kidney, fun, fun, fun!)

And then I've got the Colbert Report to laugh my ass off...

Why are these shows only 30 minutes long? Why are they only on 4 nights a week?

Why is there only one DVD? (Indecision 2004, supplemented by this awesome YouTube clip.)

And why can't I marry both Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert?

There some legal reason I don't know about here.

*checks mail* Ah, restraining orders. That would explain it.

The Colbert Report consistently cracks me up, and I love how much he loves the Stephen Cobeagle the Eagle mascot, how much he loves the Saginaw Spirit, and how much he cares for the eagle named after him.


Okay, I wasn't completely alone, the dogs were ignoring me, barking to be let out of Mom's room, and barking to get in the house. The humans, however, were asleep. And I'm still laughing my ass off.



Update - I'll settle for the guy who runs Make magazine, he was the guest on the Colbert Report tonight, and they ended up shooting marshmallows at each other. And I'm positive Colbert won the lottery, he bought ten tickets, what a shocking idea, why didn't I think of that? Since he's now obscenely rich, Crime Scene Investigation will now be Colbert Scene Investigation. I'd watch all 3 if that was the case.

Speaking of CSI, they've had Kevin Federline guest star, but not Stewart or Colbert. Something is gravely wrong here...