This is so ugh.

Marry Him! by Lori Gottlieb

This is a disgusting, arrogant, and depressing article.

The author's a single mom who calls herself a feminist. She waited to get married, she held for her true love, but now she's wiser and knows she should settle. Not until the end of the article does she acknowledge her son again, in a good way, I guess.

And while I have a much higher tolerance for settling than I did back then, now I have my son to consider. It’s one thing to settle for a subpar mate; it’s quite another to settle for a subpar father figure for my child. So while there’s more incentive to settle now, there’s less willingness to settle too much, because that would be a disservice to my son.

Before that, this is what she has to say about her son (and dating):

Before I got pregnant, though, I also read single-mom books such as Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman’s Guide, whose chapter titles “Can I Afford It?” and “Dealing With the Stress” seemed like realistic antidotes to the faux-empowering man-hunting manual headings like “A Little Lingerie Can Go a Long Way.” But the book’s author, Mikki Morrissette, held out a tantalizing carrot. In her introduction, she describes having a daughter on her own; then, she writes, a few years later and five months pregnant with her son, “I met a guy I fell in love with. He and my daughter were in the delivery room when my son was born in January 2004.” Each time I read about single women having babies on their own and thriving instead of settling for Mr. Wrong and hiring a divorce lawyer, I felt all jazzed and ready to go. At the time, I truly believed, “I can have it all—a baby now, my soul mate later!”

Well … ha! Hahahaha. And ha.

Just as the relationship books fail to mention what happens after you triumphantly land a husband (you actually have to live with each other), these single-mom books fail to mention that once you have a baby alone, not only do you age about 10 years in the first 10 months, but if you don’t have time to shower, eat, urinate in a timely manner, or even leave the house except for work, where you spend every waking moment that your child is at day care, there’s very little chance that a man—much less The One—is going to knock on your door and join that party.

They also gloss over the cost of dating as a single mom: the time and money spent on online dating (because there are no single men at toddler birthday parties); the babysitter tab for all those boring blind dates; and, most frustrating, hours spent away from your beloved child. Even women who settle but end up divorced might be in a better position than those of us who became mothers on our own, because many ex-wives get both child-support payments and a free night off when the kids go to Dad’s house for a sleepover. Never-married moms don’t get the night off. At the end of the evening, we rush home to pay the babysitter, make any houseguest tiptoe around and speak in a hushed voice, then wake up at 6 a.m. at the first cries of “Mommy!”

Try bringing a guy home to that.

No one forced you to have a kid.

I don't know why she had a kid as a single mom, but taken with her obsession with marriage, marriage, marriage, even if he's "rude to the waiter" she must think she's incomplete without both.

Another thing that bothered me:

and the theme of holding out for true love (whatever that is—look at the divorce rate)

It couldn't be because women got married young to someone they thought they loved, that they settled because they didn't want to be a spinster, no, all divorced couples were fools who thought they knew what love was! I'm sure there was love at first, but marrying someone you're crazy about doesn't necessarily mean you'll end up divorced. Especially if you take your time and don't settle into a marriage too soon. I know that, and I'm only 19!

Even women who settle but end up divorced might be in a better position than those of us who became mothers on our own, because many ex-wives get both child-support payments and a free night off when the kids go to Dad’s house for a sleepover.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN?

Marry a rich guy, no matter how bad he is, so that you can get a divorce and still be rich. The author doesn't want a partner, a lover, she wants a wallet. She wants a body.

My parents' divorce was not hard on my sister or me. But I know plenty of people who weren't so lucky. And if there's money involved, the divorce will be even nastier. She's living in a fantasy world.

Her descriptions of marriages is even more depressing:

The couples my friend and I saw at the park that summer were enviable but not because they seemed so in love—they were enviable because the husbands played with the kids for 20 minutes so their wives could eat lunch. In practice, my married friends with kids don’t spend that much time with their husbands anyway (between work and child care), and in many cases, their biggest complaint seems to be that they never see each other. So if you rarely see your husband—but he’s a decent guy who takes out the trash and sets up the baby gear, and he provides a second income that allows you to spend time with your child instead of working 60 hours a week to support a family on your own—how much does it matter whether the guy you marry is The One?

"You're never going to find 'the One' and you don't want to die alone, do you?"

She is obsessed with not being alone - never mind that she has a child, a child that loves her, a child that will be there for her forever.


One last thing, the bit that made me want to blog about this bullshit:

And all I can say is, if you say you’re not worried, either you’re in denial or you’re lying.

What are you supposed to be worried about? Being 30 and unmarried.

I've got about 10 years and 3 months until I'll be 30. I don't want to get married. I don't want kids. But I'm too young to know any better. I don't like being around little kids, but once I have one, I'll change.

As for marriage? I definitely don't want to settle! Settling sounds like marriage for marriage's sake only, being Mrs. Somebody is all that matters. I believe that that is what my dad did (though he didn't settle when he married my mom! She is so much better than him!) and he's on his 4th divorce. He's got 5 kids and only one kinda sorta likes him. He came from a broken home, and I guess he wanted to create the perfect one. He certainly tried with us - appearances, appearances.

The author knows what's best, and she knows that within 10 years, I will be baby and marriage crazy. Because her feelings are the same as everybody else's.

Settling is depressing, it is a reality, and it is sick to push it as the only alternative to dying alone.

"Cut Coupons to cut Costs"

So sez a Mister Sean Bixler of New York, New York.

He won one hundred dollars for his profound, perfect money saving idea.

I don't think it's that good, frankly. No, I did not submit a tip of my own, I only found this site through a blurb on yahoo's front page - I was bored and I like stories about spending and saving money at times.


I think he won because he's a guy, and guys don't cook, guys don't clip coupons, they just make the money and dole out a few bucks a month to the little wifey-poo because she can't make good money on her own. (That's what bugged me the most about The Jetsons - in the opening sequence, George Jetson is dropping his family off at school and the store (the wifey). He holds out one bill, and takes the money still in the wallet. This applies to many futuristic books, movies, comics, and TV shows from almost every time, but it's most glaring in ones from the '50s and '60s. Technology changes, with no social changes. Pisses me off, but makes me happy to live now.)

My problem with his tip and interview is the fact that he doesn't mention store brand food - he says you can save up to $20 every time you go shopping! Wow! He also says, in his tip, that "you may have to buy different brands each time you shop". Oh, the humanity! And it takes time to compare your list with the store flier and your coupons... make it stop!

We cut coupons from time to time - I have done it the most over the summer - it's a good way to eat up a summer Sunday, especially if there's baseball on.

But we don't usually use most of the food ones - except for candy and some desserts or things that don't have a store brand counterpart.

But most of the staples are available as store brands. I've never seen a coupon for a Great Value loaf of bread. And it is my belief that most brand name items with the coupon's discount cost at or even above their store brand counterpart. Which is why it sucks to cut coupons in this house.

I guess, if you shop at expensive stores and have never bought store brands, then you would save money on brand name items with coupons if you can't bring yourself to touch a store brand with a ten foot pole.

But I still love cutting coupons! Very soothing.

Jerry Falwell is dead.

And has been for a while.

I haven't had anything to say, I tried to contain my glee with the thought that what he started didn't die with him.

I never liked him, but what he said on September 11th kind of sealed the deal, and everything else he's said is just disgusting. I checked out the book American Fascists Monday and I told my mom that it wasn't about ordinary Christians, like her and Becky and the people who work at the Crisis Center, it was about the Falwells, and the Dobsons, and the Pat Robertsons, those jerks that hijacked the country and are trying to make it a Christian nation.

I can't believe I was happy to see he died of old age. 1 - no one killed him, that is very good. 2 - he was a hateful bigot. Here's a collection of his quotes from an atheist site.

What prompted me to finally say something was the 3 letters printed this week condemning Bill Day, the Commercial Appeal's editorial cartoonist, for a cartoon he did on the death of Falwell, mocking him.

Of course he'd mock him, if he's remotely liberal, he's responsible for September 11th and all the ills in the world.

He draws a lot of criticism that other cartoonists featured don't get, at least in the paper. No liberal ever complains, or gets printed, about the Ramirez cartoons that run - I don't remember his first name, but he's conservative, and since Bush vetoed the war bill passed by Congress, he's run too many fucking cartoons about how 'radical' Congress has become. If Congress was filled with bleeding heart liberals and radicals, we'd have free health care and impeachment proceedings! Grr.

On May 18, this cartoon ran in the Commercial Appeal. It's pretty weak, and not very funny to me, but it's pissing people off.



*yawn*

Cute - he called Tinky Winky gay, so ha ha, Tinky Winky's welcoming him to heaven. I don't get it.

The first letter was the next day said "Teletubbies don't go to heaven". Dogs do, according to the liberal nazis in Hollywood.

There were 2 more today, they were so stupid!

I worry Day will be replaced by other cartoonists, or a conservative one. This is the South, we need as many liberal voices as we can get.

But he keeps stepping on religious toes, because plainly, he doesn't worship Falwell and likes to poke fun at pompous people who blamed him for the worst terrorist attack on American soil.


There was another letter yesterday that made me see red - sent in by a guy, about the recent outcry about rape in a rich part of town, hence the coverage of it. The victims are calling for more police, but the asshole said police aren't there to protect us, women should take responsibilty for their own protection, if they get raped, it's their fault, no, it was their male relatives' fault for not protecting them. It seemed like he was saying that we shouldn't punish the rapists, since the women should protect themselves. Go to pandagon or feministe or reclusiveleftist and see why this is so offensive and stupid, it's not funny, because it's not unique - or limited to men, sadly. We can be aware of our surroundings, and take self defense or martial art classes, they give you confidence, but we are not responsible for a rapist's crimes - he is.

I agree with the letters today - we've been saying "Enough is enough" about crime for about ever, but it only makes the front page when it's rich people getting hurt. It's sad but true.

Though the rich victims have the money and time to pursue this, not the average victim. I'm glad they are asking "Why?" and demanding answers - someone has to, and it works better if it's somebody rich and with influence. That's how it works.

Now I'm going to watch Crossing Jordan on A&E. Toodles.

Something funny my mom told me.

Funny and awesome.

When she was 18 and had just joined the military, she needed some help in the reproductive area and got none from the military people.

So her friend took her to the local Planned Parenthood.

This was in 1980 or 1981.

Mom said there were many protestors shouting and calling them "baby-killers" and the like. And my poor mom just wanted help with birth control!

(She objects to abortion as birth control - she had a roommate who did just that in the early '80s. However, she doesn't want to force her views on others, just herself. But abortion being legal is forcing a view on many people. Hey - if you don't like abortion, don't have one!)

The best part?

Her friend was 8 months pregnant.



I wish I'd met her. She sounds like a person with a great sense of humor.

I'll be volunteering at Memphis's branch when school starts - I have 'clerical experience' at another charity, and I need volunteer hours. And I agree with everything they do and I'm glad Memphis has one.

I am eternally grateful to Feministe.

A post making fun of a bizarre abstinence poster. (Abstinence feels good, it tells us, but Jill tells us that orgasms feel better.)

Somehow it turned into a discussion on choosing to be abstinent as an adult, and I was confused and knew nothing and admitted it and asked many, many questions.

And said that "Abstinence feels good, like a cigarette should," and no one cared, but they answered my probing, embarrassing questions about sex and dating.

So Zuzu (not the Brit!) did the right thing and made a separate post about sex ed, because I asked questions.

So many great titles, links, information, and stories - because I asked questions.

God, I can't wait for college - I inspired a post at a blog because of my incessant questions. My search for knowledge.

It's cool.

Today's They'll Do It Every Time is Disgusting.

Sorry to butt into your territory, Barb, but JESUS CHRIST.

This is wrong. Fauna, divorce his controlling ass now. Don't just 'brew him but good'.


She's a grown woman and she has to ask her husband permission to take night classes so she can get a degree and get a better job or promotion and make more money? Or even just expand her horizons and learn for the sake of learning?

It's two thousand fuckin' seven. That's a pretty new looking tv for a 50s mindset.

Fifi? Fifi?! Maybe Fifi wasn't raised in an environment where grown women can do whatever the fuck they want.

I hope she sent that in as she filed for divorce - my dad wouldn't let my mom go out with her friends one night after work because it was his night off and he didn't want to spend it with the kids, and we weren't out-of-control, hard to entertain kids. We knew how to read and do things ourself. He just wanted to go out with his (girl)friend, how dare mom go out with hers? She did, within a year they were divorced. Mom kicked him out.

And when it was finished, she took classes at the local community college. Night classes. Dad said that made her a bad parent. He didn't want us, he just wanted to hurt her.

Ugh! "Right at home to enjoy her company" - right at home, making him dinner and getting him beer and acting as his live-in maid and cook. "No wife of mine needs education!"

Bastard. Fifi, I know entries can be twisted, but there is no fucking way this could have been sent in with Dragbutt as the good guy.

LEAVE HIS CONTROLLING ASS!

I am pre-pregnant.

I have been since March 2000, my 6th grade spring break vacation - with no pads - 7 months after I turned 11.

And I will be until I have a hysterectomy, get my tubes tied, or go through menopause.

And so will all the other women and girls I know. I think my cousin Jessica is pre-pre-pregnant at 9, but she still needs to make sure she does nothing to endanger the eventual fetus she will carry.

I'm almost a year late with my outrage, but I can still say what the hell?

This story is so sad and needs to be untrue.

But the words “federal guidelines” and “pre-pregnant” are not just sending up red flags, they’re sending out a fireworks show and a marching band.

I have been unable to obtain adequate medical care for my epilepsy because I am what they’d call pre-pregnant. As my neurologist puts it, I am a woman of child-bearing age. As such, they flat-out refuse to try me on any medicines other than the ones proven least likely to affect a fetus (read: the ones that are paying off my neurologist). Despite the fact that I have declared my belly a no-fetus zone.

My neurologist does not trust me to not get pregnant. My neurologist puts a potential fetus’s potential health over my health.

And now the government wants to officially sanction that.

Oh HELL no.

I should not have to get my fucking tubes tied in order to not have seizures and/or get medication that at least doesn’t have me dropping weight. (90.5 on the Craftsman’s bathroom scale; even taking into account that it’s a different scale from my doctor’s, it’s a significant enough difference that I have to look at it. I’m 89 on my scale right now. Which slips, but - still.) Toget off a medication that’s caused what’s essentially a whole-body crash.

Pre-pregnant? Hell no. I am post-pregnant by 11 years. Pregnancy and me do not belong in the same sentence.

Screw that noise.

EDIT: When I first posted this, I was writing just for myself and my friendslist, so I didn’t put in a whole lot of background.

Now this post has been linked all over LJ and in DailyKos. So. Background for people who have not been reading me since the dawn of time, quick-and-dirty version: I was diagnosed with epilepsy in October 2003. My first neurologist put me on Lamictal, which caused some pretty untenable side effects, including the first 2/3 of what became a catastrophic weight loss - 50 pounds in total, to a low of 85 pounds.

She tried me on Keppra, which was worse - then gave up for the sake of the potential fetus. I switched neurologists and medications, trying Topomax and Trileptal, the latter of which (plus Zonegran) I’m still on. The weight loss continued. Uncontrollably.

There are medications that have, as their side effects, weight gain. I have begged for these medications, but been refused. Direct quote from my neurologist: “You’re a newlywed. You’ll want a baby.” I’m a newlywed with an 11-year-old daughter and a body that’s falling apart. Trust me. I do not want a baby. But my stated desires are irrelevant - I cannot get prescribed a medication that will keep me from losing weight and may control my seizures better than the one I’m on now, due entirely to increased risk of birth defects.

THIS IS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

A potential fetus is more important than a person who is already alive, who already went through the fetus stage of life.

We were all fetuses at one point in our life or another, unless you're a cloned human reading this.

But once we're out of the womb, we don't matter anymore. Once your born, you're worthless. Or else why would the politicians screaming about criminalizing abortion also scream about the eeeeeeeeeeeevils of government programs like WiC, HeadStart, and socialized healthcare for the people outside of wombs.

Hey, if we're all pre-pregnant, from our first menstruation to menopause or sterilization, we should have free medical care. Think of the fetuses!

Some assholes have said that Walter Reed is a sign that government can't do healthcare, so socialized healthcare will result in rats and such.

I think it's a sign that the powers-that-fund don't give a rat's ass about the soldiers when they come home. Or even when they're there - no armor. So all that Iraq money... paychecks for the soldiers, MREs (thing in the paper today about how soldiers in Afghanistan lose 20-30 pounds eating MREs), and no-bid contracts for companies that donated money to the powers-that-fund. Fuck them. They'd rather the soldiers die than come back injured mentally or physically.

Anti-single payer medical system look at public schools and say, "Look, the kids are still stupid. The kids who go to an inner-city public school do worse than those at a private school in the same area, therefore private schools are better."

One, public schools get most of the money locally, so kids who live in a poor town, go to a poor school, while kids who live in a richer district in the same county system get a laptop for every kid. Two, teachers are underpaid and overworked. They get burned out by things like No Child Left Behind. And private schools do better because they don't have to take in every child in the district, as public schools do. And some kids have learning disablities that bring down school test scores.

There used to be schools devoted entirely to special ed kids, and they were the best in the district because the special ed kids could learn in an environment made for them, and teachers and assistants had quiet rooms and didn't have to worry about tantrums.

Now, those schools are failing. And the schools that fail get less money than the schools that pass. And we will never reach 100% in all categories for one reason off the top of my head - once a kid in the English-as-a-Second-Language category gets more proficient in English, they're taken out of the ESL category.

So that category can never reach 100%!

To those that want no public education - I say, why stop there? Let's do away with everything else funded by taxes like libraries, roads, prisons, police departments, fire departments, government regulatory agencies, I could go on...

Private police force: "Help, there's a man in the house! You need my credit card number before you'll come over?" "My sister was brutally murdered, but we can't afford the investigation, so we'll never know who did it and for all we know, the killer is still out there."

Private fire dapartment/EMS: "My husband's having a heart attack! No, I don't have one hundred dollars on hand!" "Our apartment building's on fire, please come put it out, we have a lot of elderly people living there. Yes, most of the apartments are Section 8. Hello?"

Private FDA: More rat feces for everyone!



Back to pregnancy and being pre-pregnant.

Someone said this in the comments of a pandagon/feministe (don't remember which, sorry) post: they need to build a robotic womb, because some men are upset that the woman is the only one who can choose to end the pregnancy. I wonder why?

Could it have something to do with the fact that the woman does all the physical work of the pregnancy?

Oh, I forgot, the man contributes half the genetic material.

So with a robotic womb, the man can have the pregnancy himself, without the fun of child birth or a C-section. A robotic womb would keep the fetus much, much more safer than if it was in its natural home. No physical danger, no chemical danger from the food or drinks of the mother. The nutrients would be inserted into a mechanical umbilical cord - like an IV for us post-womb losers.

It would be an alternative to abortion. Remove the weeks old fetus, put it in the incubator, and then strap the incubator onto the man's chest - it will only come in one size - the big-as-a-house 8+ months pregnant model.

Since the father does't want the mother to have the abortion, but he wants the kid and she doesn't want to go through the pregnancy or the child, problem solved!



I may not actually be pre-pregnant. I'm on Lupron right now (along with 13 daily meds - including a birth control pill - not to mention the 5 PRNs which includes a prescription painkiller) and to stop the pain of endometriosis and ovarian cysts, since they only cause pain when you're ovulating or pre-pregnant.

I'm a (potential) murderer! I'm making my body inhospitable to a potential fetus.

Oh woe and such.

Let me close with this.



There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.
You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood!

Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
God needs everybody's.
Mine! And mine! And mine!

Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaate!

Mississippi loves babies so much!

If Roe vs. Wade is overturned, abortion will be banned in the state.

Until that happens, they've settled for offering women considering an abortion to listen to the fetus's heartbeat and see a sonogram. And a minor who doesn't have her parent's consent has to get it from the courts.

Last week, I remember seeing in the paper that Mississippi has ONE abortion clinic, in Jackson. One!

The Alabama Planned Parenthood is quoted in the article in today's paper saying if they really cared, they'd work with PP by not blocking contraceptives and comprehensive sexual education.

No wonder there are so many teen parents around here. The only sex ed we got at school was a video on STDs and a handout on wearing a condom.

There's a common thing brought up by anti-choicers - "If the fetus isn't a person, why is someone charged with killing two people when they kill or hurt a pregnant person?"

Well, the woman chooses to have an abortion, she doesn't choose to be attacked.

I think it's that simple.

As for minor's needing court orders, do they just want more teen parents in Mississippi?

I know why a minor wouldn't have her parents' consent, she doesn't want them to know she had sex!

But it's not law yet, Gov. Barbour hasn't signed it yet. He's expected to.

Some irony in the paper

Sometimes I get it in my head to read each section of the paper, and yesterday evening was one of those times. I skipped the sports, though, I always do. And I made it through all but one page of business. And I skipped the main article in the M section, but! I read the first 2 sections entirely.


Of course, I'm referring to them labeling Bill Gates as Robert Gates! What a knee-slapper! Actually, it was silly because it was a bit on Bill Gates supporting more immigrants, and we know how the Bush Administration feels about that.

No, what I'm talking about is even more obscure.

I always get a kick out of reading the 'Memphis Memories' in the B section.

The shocking piece was from one hundred years ago, 1907. Brace yourself. I read it to Dixie and she hasn't spoken a single word since! Just a warning, for the faint of heart.

Apparently, in Annapolis, The Naval Athletic Association spent $4,598 to maintain the Naval Acadamey's football team, and that amount is more than half the total expenses for the year for all sports! Try to contain yourself, readers. Most of the people involved are now dead, and institutions of education and their supporters have stopped spending so much and placing so much emphasis on sports. It's 2007, after all.

Wait, I just got a bulletin, no they haven't. The Memphis Tigers are still important to the school and the area, and Memphis Mayor Willie Hereton doesn't like them playing at Memphis landmarks. The basketball team used to play in the Pyramid. When the Grizzlies came to town, a new court was in order, the FedEx Forum. Which looks like every other damn 'forum' in the world. And the Stones were there in 2005 and I didn't get to go. And I remember the reason people were pissed about the Grizzlies and the Forum, beyond the money, was one of their conditions of play - nobody else can play when they're playing at home. But it was mostly the money.

Well now, the Mayor (appointed by God, he claimed a couple years ago. I just read the Big Book of the Unexplained, and 'God', or what created/controls the world, is called the Cosmic Trickster. I like that. And if God's a Cosmic Trickster, than sure she/he/it would appoint Willie Herenton and George Bush.) wants to build a new football stadium, because the Liberty Bowl isn't good enough to attract a football franchise, and that's what Memphis needs to get people to move here and care about us. Not improving schools, fighting crime, getting rid of corruption in office, but a new football stadium.

The Pyramid may be sold to Bass Pro Shops. Which means we lose the Wonder Series. I can't find a link for it, there used to be a page, but when the Pyramid closed, they must have taken it down. They didn't bring enough money. At least we still have the Pink Palace. (The wax people scare me, but you get to walk through a replica of the first Piggly Wiggly!)

Actually, the thing in the paper I meant to write about happened after the Naval Athletic Associated spent $4,598 on football.

75 years ago: 1932
Mrs. G.T. Fitzhugh, Mrs. J.W. Monks, Mrs. Hugh S. Hayley, Mrs. D.B. Puryear, Mrs. George Wellons, and Mrs. P.J. Hackett yesterday were elected officers of the Memphis and Shelby County Democratic Women's Victory Club.

Read that again. "the Memphis and Shelby County Democratic Women's Victory Club." What are the last three words? "Women's Victory Club." It was the Women's Club. And yet they were still identified by their husbands' names, unless Mrs. Hayley was unlucky enough to named Hugh, and Mrs. Wellons was not the boy her parents expected.

....


I thought it was funny.

Blog for Choice Day

Got my blog for choice e-mail just now.

The question is, "Why are you pro-choice?"

The obvious, simple answer is, no matter how I feel about abortion, I don't have the right to dictate what another person does with her body.

That's what it comes down to, doesn't it?

I'm currently having gynecological issues, not related to pregnancy - ovarian cysts, endometriosis, and the new Birth Control, 12 weeks on the hormone, one off. I'm on week 11, and in considerable pain and dealing with some scary breakthrough issues.

Right now, if I were to get pregnant, I would have an abortion.

I'm in no physical condition to go through pregnancy - it's hell on a healthy woman, with my history, no, just no.

I'm just going to free associate on abortion and pro-choice as my pain medication and valium kick in. (Another reason why I should have a baby, all these chemicals, what fun!)

I like the "Safe, rare, and legal" ideology about abortion. Safety and legality go hand-in-hand, if it's legal, it's got codes and regulations to follow.

The rare, on the other hand, is hard to come by.

Yes, total abstinence is the only way to 100% protect against pregnancy and STDs.

But birth control and protection do a good job. However, they often allow single people to have sex without nasty physical consequences, so they're sinful.

My sister turned 16 today, and I ran some of the abstinence-only education by her. She recently got back into church (Methodist) and she thinks it's all bull. Telling kids don't have sex, but if you do, use a condom or will turn all teenagers into sex-crazed fiends, even more so than we are now.

Absitinence-only is pushed by the anti-choice crowd, which doesn't make sense. You think if they wanted less abortions, they'd want less pregnancies, but they just want less sex, especially for women.

You know how you hear about this pharmacist refusing to give out emergency contraceptives for women, you never hear about them saying, "Wait, young man, you're not married, why do you need condoms. I'm not selling this to you."

Same with Viagra. If it went over the counter (it won't, the side effects are too dangerous for unregulated use), there'd be no issue about its sale.

I've been on birth control, on and off, for about a year. Since then, I've had sex with 500 men, haven't gone to school, what else am I supposed to do with my time?

Ha, no, I was put on the BC for the hormones - if we can regulate those, maybe we can keep the crippling pain of the cysts under control, or at least know when they'll hit.

The big thing about today for me is not Roe vs. Wade's anniversary, but my sister's 16th birthday. My little sister. Who won't have sex til she's at least 50 and Mom and Dad are both dead.

Speaking of my Dad and sex, oh em effing gee, on my 18th birthday, he told mom that he wanted to talk to Becky about something important, but she had to leave the table before he'd say what. (Smokey Bones, great barbecue.) So she left.

The issue?

Chastity. It was hard to keep a straight face, because he's on his 4th wife, and chastity was never a goal for him. It was so funny, and so sad, because that's his version of the talk? Some chastity brochures and stickers from a Catholic bookstore? (And, "Black boys don't want to be your friends, they only want to have sex with you.") The brochures were a trip, if people didn't take them seriously.

I like what I saw on Grounded for Life yesterday - the kids signed a chastity pledge at school (Catholic school) and Lily's dad scares her boyfriend with tales of hell, so he won't even touch her anymore, so Lilly decides it's time for marriage, then the nun comes over and says, stop, you horny idiots. That pledge is a joke, you should aspire to chastity and abstinence, you won't go to hell if you have sex before getting married.

Back to abortion - the big issue is you're killing something/it's a clump of cells. I think the date most doctors use is fine, and probably the best indicator we can use of when life begins.

A woman should not have to go through pregnancy and childbirth if she does not want to, if she can't for financial reasons, adoption is an option, yes, but there are so many children waiting still.

My mom knew one person (a roommate back when she was in the Navy) who used abortion as birth control. No, really. That is disturbing on every single level imaginable, but it is her right. Well, was, this was 20 years ago.

Another thing from the anti-choice crowd (often conservative republicans) - once the baby comes out of the womb, it still needs care, so does the Mom. What's the saying? Life begins at conception, it doesn't end at birth. Help the mother raise this baby... good schools, good food, good pay, good childcare, good healthcare for mom and babe... but that costs money, and it's her fault for having the kid in the first place, blah blah blah.


Okay, what I want to get to.

Today is my sister's birthday.

I don't know what her views on abortion are - you don't hear of many methodist clinic bombers, so I think she may be rational about it.

Last week, I asked my mom, did the thought of an abortion ever cross your mind when you learned you were pregnant with either of us?

Her answer was no, because she never knew anything about it, it never entered her mind, and besides, Frankie wouldn't want her to have an abortion of his kid - Every sperm is sacred.

I told her that I think I would have considered it with Becky. This will kill her, because she can't see that it's not about her, it's about the situation.

If I had been in my mother's shoes, I would have aborted the second pregnancy as soon as possible and divorced his cheating, lying ass. Why? Well, Frankie had a vasectomy after Kaitlyn was born, for one thing. The other thing, before she became pregnant with Becky, she tried to get birth control (probably to reregulate her hormones - her family is mess when it comes to hormones) through DEERS after leaving the military. As Frankie's dependent wife.

Well, he already had one. "She never signed the papers!"

We were in Italy.

He shred all her papers and told her to go to a friend's house and then get back to the states, otherwise he'd get in trouble. So she sat in Rome, without her passport, this stupid American. They pointed machine guns at her! Luckily, her family came through.

I wouldn't have gone back, but if I did, that could have been the final straw - I wouldn't want any more ties to the man, I'd want out.

But there were so many mitigating factors... Mom grew up in New Mexico. Born in Roswell, then they moved to Edgewood, which still has more peacocks than people. (It's getting a Wal-Mart soon, they'll probably end up buying her mom's property.)

Her dad died when she was 12.

Her mom remarried fast, she had 6 kids to take care of, a job as a nurse, and no insurance, no money.

So maybe my mom never got the chance to learn that you can live by yourself, you don't need a husband. She married my dad (the first time, but not the legal time) 2 weeks after she turned 22.

She never got a chance to talk with her mom like I talk with her today. Her only option after high school was stay in Edgewood or join the military like her older brothers. Or get married, like her older sister. My mom did both!

Thinking of my mom's life and the choices she never got to truly make, makes me even more pro-choice. But more importantly, it shows me the importance of open, frank dialogue between parents and children. It shows me the importance of comprehensive sexual education. It shows me the importance of education, period. It shows me the importance of choice, of freedom.

I will be limited by my health in what I can do. (Hello, insurance prices?) But I won't be tied down to a marriage before I'm ready.

I won't force my body through pregnancy before I'm ready, emotionally and physically.

And I want to inform my sister, who's going to read this and react strongly, I know, pro-choice does not mean I want to abort everybody's pregnancy. It does not mean I know what's best for you or for anybody but myself. It just means that women, people, should have a choice, an honest, free choice.

Happy Birthday, again, Becky. I am glad Mom chose to have you, even when you drive me up the wall.

Happy Anniversary Roe vs. Wade. I hope you are never overturned, the claim that you are about state's rights is identical to the argument that Civil War was about state's rights. If Roe vs. Wade were overturned, I can see whole regions following South Dakota's abhorent example. Yes, you are free to go to one of the states where abortion is legal, hope you can afford the time off work and travel!

Breastfeeding and working

This great post at Feministe is months old, but I can't sleep, and my pain medication makes me think I have great things to say on every topic.

Even this one, when I've never been a parent or even worked!

I'm so full of shit.

But I am a kid, and my mom had to deal with the issues in the post - breastfeeding - childcare, really - vs. her job.

My sister and I were both brestfed. I was a premie, but very healthy until puberty. Becky was right on time, but very sick - of course, Italy was so polluted most of the babies were sick. We're both smart, and school is a cakewalk, but that may have more to do with our military upbringing - there's nothing to do in Iceland but read and play in the snow. (Seriously, though, Becky said her apex class was all navy brats at one point. Interesting, no?)

Onto the subject at hand - women in corportate America get 'lactation rooms' if they choose to pump their breastmilk, complete with all the high tech gizmos and whozits, maybe a breastpump made to look like a baby next? While the women who aren't up there get the restroom, if they're lucky.

Something is fucked up with the way we treat life in America. It doesn't end at conception, that embryo turns into a human being, remember? And they're not self-sufficient. I know, lazy bums!

Child care's expensive, schools are dumbed down by testing standards, and maternity leave's a joke for most women.

Take my mother.

She joined the military at my age, in 1980. She had nothing else to do, her brothers had joined, her dad had joined, why not? She had fun, once she got past bootcamp. She went into the medical field, a corpsman, she's so cool, she drove an ambulance. (May explain my fear of driving - my instructor's too qualified - especially on Memphis streets.) She married my dad in 1984, they went to Japan, and then came back to the US a few years later.

My mom says there were two incidences that made her leave the military after 8 years, instead of staying in to get retirement benefits. She left when she was pregnant with me.

1 - A man's attempted suicide. She realized that this was somebody's child, just like the one inside her, and she couldn't do it anymore.

2 - The redtape bullshit a single mother had to go through to leave work to pick up her sick child at the base's daycare.

No! My mom was going to be there for her daughter.

My dad could support the family, so it was okay financially.

Of course, her leaving had negative consquences. After we left the US for Italy, my mom tried to join DEERS as my dad's wife, but woopsie, he's already got one! He shredded her papers and told her to leave the country as soon as possible, so he wouldn't get into trouble. That was no picnic.

Not sure how that ties into the current topic, but I could fill at least 1% of the internet's many tubes with tales of my lovely padre. (He's a Republican, by the way, and told me he'd rather vote for Dixie than a democrat. I agree, Dixie's a much better politician than any of the quacks in office, but he's still a pain.)

I am beautiful.

We all are.

I just finished The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf. Yes, I should be asleep, but I had to do this.

I loved this book, and unlike the 500 or so other books I love, I'm going to pass this one on. I have to. This book took me about 5 days to read - for less than 300 pages, that's a long time for me. It was the only book I read. I read the Commercial Appeal, of course, and checked out an amazing blog, The Reclusive Leftist, which probably fueled this early morning post.

The book I was reading before was A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore, a great, funny book about death. I love Chris Moore. The book I'll be reading next is a Sabrina the Teenage Witch novelization I also got at Goodwill last week. (What? You have a problem with my literary interests?)

Much of The Beauty Myth was beyond me - I haven't entered the workforce, I haven't dated, and it was written when I was 2 or 3, so it's all history to me. Horrifying history. What was done to Victorian women... I... half of the population! Told they were invalids because they menstruated! Bah! "Good old days." (Beyond the social inequities of the "good old days", I'd be dead. Thyroid surgery was still killing people in my grandfather's day - the early '70s.)

The book explains how, as women fought for equality and left the house, they were trapped by something else, the beauty myth, so as to never fully achieve equality. You still see it today.

The section called Hunger, so shocking, but so real! I hear it all the time, hell, I even felt it - I should starve myself for a few weeks to look better - luckily my growling stomach won out.

The book does not say we should fully reject makeup and beauty regimens, but that we should only do them because we want to, it's for our enjoyment, not what we think the world wants.

Onto my beauty.

I am drop-dead gorgeous. That's a given.

I never wear makeup. I only wear one piece of jewelry - an eyebrow ring. My hair regimen consists of washing it every other day and brushing it every day. I'll let my sister straighten it from time to time, but it never looks like me.

I have dark, long eyebrows. My sister claims I only have one brow, and that she must pluck the almost invisible hairs on top of my nose. No, she won't. Not on my time. I'd rather pierce it than pluck it, thanks but not thanks.

My eyes are two blue/green pools, magnified by my ever-present glasses (I ain't pokin' myself in the eyes to see, people) and my dark brows.

My nose is a family nose, small, rounded, quite cute and perfect for my face. My mouth is small as well, and fits in fine. When I let loose with a big smile, you see my uneven teeth and my dimples. You see my happiness.

My hair frames the whole picture, a curly, wavy blonde/brown border that covers my big ears and sets a relaxed vibe to the whole thing.

And my body? While not perfect on the inside (I'm anxiously awaiting cyborg parts - kidney stones hurt), it is just fine on the outside. I've got the right curves, my breasts are proportionate, beautiful, stretchmarked from the ravages of puberty, and perfect, though a major pain if I get on the trampoline without adequate support!

I have a little hourglass going on, and I love it. It's completely natural, and when I'm in the mood to wear a tight shirt, I feel like the whole damn world knows I'm gorgeous, and it's a great feeling.

It took me a few years to get to this point, but I love it, and I hope to never lose it.

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf

I love this book. I got it last Tuesday for 99 cents at the Memphis Goodwill. I couldn't pass it up.

There is a part in the 'Violence' chapter on page 225 that still resonates.

It's about how Victorian doctors claimed contraception of any kind caused galloping cancer, sterility, and nymphomania in woman.

The last one we still hear from certain religious groups - the last one about the HPV vaccine, which can prevent cervical cancer. Since it's best if it's done before women become sexually active. The vaccine will make them go out and have sex, since cervical cancer is no longer a problem! The birth control I'm taking to keep my endometriosis and ovarian cysts under control is obviously turning me into a nympho.

And don't forget sex ed. Hearing that there are things that can be worn, taken, or done to prevent pregnancy or disease after sex CLEARLY turns us into nymphos.

Bullshit.

I'm braindead, and can't think of a comparison right now.

Woman's World Magazine

This magazine is a waste of money and paper. It only costs a dollar forty-nine, but it's chockfull of inspirational stories, cute kids, delicious recipes, relationship help, and diets. Lots of diets. On and off the advertisements.

My mom buys this from time to time, I always look through it, wondering what insipid thing they're saying this month.

The January 9, 2007 issue takes the cake.

Anyone with a brain that reads this issue from cover to cover will come to the conclusion that any diet besides one consisting of less food and more physical activity is a joke. However, I don't see that happening.

The main cover story shouts, "FAT? TIRED? RUNDOWN? Lose 18 pounds in 11 days! Release the toxins that cause 'chemical fat'! Get slim and energized!"

This 'article' runs on pages 20 and 21.

The problem is, on page 25, there is a decent article on how mothers can pass eating disorders onto their daughters. It's about rejecting the 'you're never too thin' for a healthy body image. One circle says "Did you know? Overweight doesn't mean unhealthy! One study showed that overweight people who are active are healthier than thin ones who are sedentary!"

The box at the bottom on safe dieting includes this gem: "Lose two pounds or less a week - more than that is muscle loss."

So, er, what's going on with the main part of this week's issue? 18 pounds dropped in less than 2 weeks! Now, doesn't this imply that the fad diets are unhealthy and dangerous, if they work at all beyond the time you're on it?

I'm reading The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf right now.

I definitely see what she was talking about. There's also an 'article' called 'Erase years from your skin!' Because age is a horrible thing, and while we can't stop ourselves from getting older, at least not yet, we can at least look younger. The older women that get plastic surgery, they look fake, they're wearing some sort of mask, can they really smile?

None of the diets profiled in magazines like this work. Not permanently, and not for everybody. And they never will, that will stop an industry, we can't have that. Same with 'anti-aging' creams and treatments. We'll always get wrinkles and gray hairs, and we'll always shell out big bucks to fix them because age is terrible, there's something wrong with you if you look your age.